E! Network

From nice_smile-20: britney spears yet its have hair?
Here’s a secret tip: Put coffee grounds on the cat urine, let sit for two hours, then simply vacuum. The offensive odor of feline pee will disappear like magic!

From Dox1960: Please tell your Joel that I have a cousin with the same name, who is a complete dweeb. Please thank your Joel for making the name tolerable.
Your cousin Joel just walked by and saw your letter. He’s hurt and shocked, and has started drinking heavily, alone in a supply room. Is this any way to treat a blood relative? Is this really what you wanted? I hope so, because this whole thing isn’t going to just go away.

From shanbenton: My sister and I had the Chef's Tasting Menu at MGM Grand with the ending being a LAVA CAKE!!!!!!!!!! Help me out here. Lava cake?
Yeah, lava cake. Next question.

Keep Reading

Alec Baldwin and his .45-caliber index finger make his feelings about being with a woman from the South perfectly clear.

The man who could take a rainbow, wrap it in a sigh, soak it in the sun and make a groovy lemon pie may have passed on to the candy-coated Vegas show room in the sky, but the irrepressible Mr. Sammy Davis Jr. left a few things behind. Now's your eBay chance to own the Candyman's very own crocodile-skin briefcase.

Just imagine what Sammy used to carry around in this thing...a carton of smokes, a spare glass eyeball, an autographed photo from pal Dick Nixon, who knows?

Speaking of Nixon, here's a little-known fact: Sammy was the first black person to sleep in the White House back in 1973, a guest of the Tricky One. We can't bring Sammy back, nor can we bring back the crocodile, but at least we can carry around a briefcase that both supreme entertainer and prehistoric beast died to leave us. 

For a sweet taste of classic sammy, go to the jump.

Keep Reading

When the Senate Auto Insurance guy says, "Out with the lizard," we sat here, stunned and perplexed, trying to figure out what the hell he was talking about. Ah yes, the Geico gecko. Anyway, enjoy a bit of patriotic capitalism from our nation's capital, and a transvestite granny. Thanks to DCScott for this.

E! Networks

Once again, national television personality Joel McHale takes to the road on a healing mission of laughter, offering the bonding of American humor—the best humor there is—to a country in troubled times. In other words, you may be out of work, but Joel isn’t.

Catch him in his native state on Nov. 21 at the INB Performing Arts Center in Spokane, Wash., then pack your VW van with extra socks and bongs and follow the fun-time caravan to Seattle on Nov. 28 and 29 for two shows at the Moore Theatre.

Come Dec. 5, Joel will be treading the boards at the Flint Center in Cupertino, Calif., then riding an airplane all the way to Reno, Nev., for a Dec. 27 experience at the Grand Sierra Resort and Casino.

On Dec. 30, double up on the chuckles as Joel plays two shows at the Comedy Connection (7 and 10:30 p.m.) in Chicopee, Mass.

Finally, put this hellish year to bed once and for all as McHale does two shows at Boston’s Wilbur Theater (7 and 9:45 p.m.). Then go home and hit the sack.

The news that reunited Brit pop group Boyzone’s new video single “Better,” featuring gay band member Stephen Gately cuddling with a man, has broken genre stereotypes. It has also left openly gay, 21-year-old Sanduskie, Ohio resident Vince Langster confused.

“All I know is I read something online or someplace about a zone and gay and better, so I thought maybe AutoZone was having some kind of discount for homosexuals that would be better than Pep Boys,” Langster revealed to Soup Blog reporters. “My PT Cruiser needs a gasket, so I went over there looking for a deal. Needless to say, I didn’t get it. Though I did see some nice rims.” 

When reached for clarification, local AutoZone assistant manager Brint Bassweed Jr. stated that he'd "never heard of Boyzone. And I know all the gay auto parts and service dealerships in the area."

People.com

Cardigan sweaters, neckties, dog hugging? Posing with mom and dad around a Christmas tree? Purity rings are one thing, but according to Jonas superfan Jamilee Abernathy, 13, it's all too much.

"I just can't pretend anymore," sobbed the seventh grader to Soup Blog reporters. "Kevin, Nick, Joe...I've loved them so much, but I need something real from this relationship. I'm a healthy teenaged girl on the cusp of womanhood, and I desperately crave a fantasy male celebrity in my life who's got some, like, balls."

The hard-studying, flute-playing Abernathy—who is also heavily involved in 4-H activities and sings in the local Presbyterian youth choir—has taken extreme measures, removing some 57 taped-up posters of the tween boy group from her bedroom walls. "I was drawn in by their sweetness, and it worked for me. It really did. But I can't take it anymore. For gosh sakes, I'm totally not an idiot."  

At press time Abernathy was considering falling for Kid Rock, Johnny Depp or Al Pacino.

Frank Masi/Sony Pictures

Eighty-nine-year-old Erma Lancaster's chance sighting of a Los Angeles city bus advertising the video release of Will Smith's Hancock is creating a national stir among scholars and academics. The ad's tag line reading "Will Smith is the baddest action hero yet!" left the senior confused and frustrated.

"Why would anyone brag about being the least successful at something?" queried Lancaster. "It's not even proper English, for goodness sake."

"To our knowledge, Lancaster is apparently the last remaining person unaware of street slang," stated Prof. Remington Pine of the Institute for American Language Studies. "Somehow she's been able to retain fundamental, non-ironic word usage skills, despite the complete bastardization of the English language that's taken place over the last three decades."

Lancaster has been submitted to intense linguistic examination. "She actually believes terms like retarded, sick and f--ked up are all pejorative," said Pine. "We asked her to explain the sentence, 'Jay-Z lays down some serious s--t,' and she assumed the man had suffered a strained bowel movement. It's uncanny." 

"Now there's a place where her dreams have room to grow," and—according to the brain washers trust at Playskool—that place is the Rose Petal Cottage. Provided, of course, that her dreams are limited to baking muffins, changing diapers and doing laundry. But for maximum cottage training, shouldn't she be barefoot? Thanks to Soup monster Bella for this.

Ash Knotek/Snappers/ZUMAPress.com

Longtime British actress Judi Dench has been a fixture of the James Bond franchise since her debut in 1995’s Goldeneye, yet reports are that she has repeatedly threatened to quit the series. Producer Barbara Broccoli has talked her out of it so far, saying “She keeps threatening to leave, but I will not let her!”

Now, the veteran actress’ actions have engendered a phrase that has become part of U.K. vernacular: Pulling a dench or denching, translates essentially to not following through with something, according to London-based linguistics expert Simon Billingsman.

“Let’s say a chap has had too much to drink at the pub and cannot consummate the sex act later that night. Thus, ‘Blimey, I denched the missus again!’ he might say. Or in begging off a date one might utter, 'Sorry to dench on ya, luv, but I've got the runs.' It's quite useful, and sounds somewhat obscene, which the English love."

home-decor.hsn.com

If Hitler had been a piece of yellow fruit, where would he have spent his last days before shooting himself in the head? In the Banana Bunker, of course.

Seemingly the union of a Habitrail and a strategically ribbed marital aid, the Home Shopping Network brings us this exciting new product that will "protect this delicate fruit from bruising when placed in your backpack, nap sack, soft carrying case or briefcase." And at an impressive nine inches long, the Bunker can accomodate even the largest bananas. By the way, we have Soup fan Balesclan4 to thanks for this.

And now a little something for the video game fanboys out there in the vast and varied Soup audience, courtesy of one Karen G., who sent this saying only that "this thing is unreal." Ms. Pac-Man it ain't.