Ask the Answer B!tch

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Why do singers come out with alter egos? First Garth Brooks, now Beyoncé. What is the point of it?
—Kayla, Atlanta

It's a safe way for a performer to explore an unexpected style of music without permanently alienating hardcore fans. Country star Garth Brooks grew a soul patch and declared himself Chris Gaines so that he could splash around in the rock-and-roll pool for a while, but Beyoncé's "more aggressive" Sasha Fierce barely tiptoes outside the R&B comfort zone, leaving little for teenyboppers to cower over.

Speaking of cowering, bow down, fools, as my alter ego, the ANSWER B!TCH, slices and dices your every question in the latest installment of Burning Q's. Observe...

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I've read in a few columns that drug addiction is prevalent in Hollywood and that many stars are addicted. So if it's true, how are they so good at hiding their addictions physically?
—CJM

You forget that stars rarely live in a vacuum. (VAC-yoom: Nothingness, emptiness. See episodes 1 through whatever of the new J.J. Abrams series, Fringe.) Celebrities always have people around them, people to shield, deflect, bully—in short, hide any addiction from the greater public.

Don't take it from me. Take it from the supermodel-slash-recovering-addict I interviewed about this very subject...

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Joel Jeffries/Comedy Central

Do the stars edit their own Wikipedia entries?
—Ken

Sure. Stephen Colbert did that once, right on his show in front of millions of people, and everybody laughed at the joke, ha ha, until they actually went to Wiki and saw that Colbert's changes were real.

But more often, celebrities let their publicity minions handle such mundane nonsense. Here's how, and why:

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DHA/Fame Pictures

Why do celebrities have so many cell phones? Every time I see them in photos or on reality shows, they have a different phone or even two at once! What's the deal?
—Annette

A reporter once asked the same question of an assistant to Russell Simmons, who was working two cell phones at the time. "One cell phone isn't enough to take all the calls," the assistant replied.

Did Brenda Song die?
—Calli

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How many stars have been to Dubai? Why aren't there more?
—Allie

I know, right? Here you have a place where the islands look like palm trees, and the palm trees are made of $10,000 bills, and for some reason Jay-Z is still living in States. There's a reason for it, though, and a very good one.

But first and for the record, plenty of famous people recently have headed to Dubai, including:

1. Tiger Woods, who is building a golf course out there

2. The Clooney, who has appeared at the Dubai Film Festival, and...

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Darla Khazei, PacificCoastNews.com

Do we know yet which of Hollywood's lovable lefties will be going to the inauguration in January? I imagine celebs will be falling all over themselves to see Obama.
—Lillianne, Texas

Indeed! In fact this B!tch has learned that several celebrities will be cutting short their snow-frolicking at the Sundance Film Festival to watch the swearing in, while others will simply descend from their thrones on Olympus for a few hours of patriotic revelry.

Exactly which 30 Rock actress is expected to be in the VIP section when Barack Obama swears on the Bible on Jan. 20, 2009? Well...

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When celebrities get wax replicas made, do they go in and get all the measurements taken—or how is it done?
—Abro

The stars don't "go in." The wax artists from Madame Tussauds museum travel to the celebrity's location and pray that the star knows how to sit still. Take Carrie Underwood. "A couple of people met us out on the road and like did a lot of measurements, a lot of picture taking," she told the Oklahoman. "I had to stand still for a long time."

Who's the mastermind behind a celebrity who has a hit with a new style or trend? Take Posh's short hairdo—was it her idea, her stylist's, someone else's?
—Jennifer in Oregon

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AMC

On set, are actors actually smoking real cigarettes? I can imagine the entire cast and crew of Mad Men have lung cancer by now.
—Patrick

Fake. On the AMC show, the actors smoke Ecstacy herbal cigarettes, which are tobacco- and nicotine-free. "You don't want actors smoking real cigarettes," show creator Matthew Weiner recently told The New York Times. "They get agitated and nervous. I've been on sets where people throw up, they've smoked so much."

What's with Mariah Carey and the high notes? Can she still hit them like she did during her "Emotions" days? BTW, love your podcast here in South Africa.
—Caleb

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Do celebrities ever visit their fansites?
—Laura from Argentina

If you're wondering whether Jessica Simpson does—and you know you cannot live one more second without knowing—the answer is yes. She does follow the scuttlebutt on her fansites, particularly SweetKisses.net, where she's even been known to—yes—post stuff.

But most stars, at least the big ones, don't pay attention unless something alarming happens. Like when a fan posts an unflattering photo.

Which rising TV star nixed some pics she didn't like when she saw them on a fansite? Well ...

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Lionsgate

What's up with Repo! The Genetic Opera? Why make a movie that's only going to play in a few cities and then go straight to DVD? How can a movie with Paris Hilton have almost no promotion? I'm so confused.
—Green, Portland

So were the moviemakers, or they would have known that Paris hasn't done anything even mildly interesting since the high days of Sanjaya. So how can these producers ever hope to make money?

"They book a few theaters and get a tiny bit of exposure, and hopefully some good press," one of my film marketing sources tells me. "Then they use that to promote the DVD. And people say, 'Oh, that was theatrical! I must have missed it!' " Genius!

Did Rachel Zoe's new show get canceled? Or was that the whole season?
—Love Munky

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Paul Fenton/ZumaPress.com, AP Photo/Chris Pizzello

So Obama won (yay), but the craziest election ever is over (boo). So what am I going to think about now? Leighton Meester?
—Taylor, Norfolk, Va.

Need some new obsessions, eh? What happened, did Brenda Song quit the business? Or did you just tire of waiting for her to dissolve into a four-rock-a-day crack habit? Fine, fine. Here are some things I'm keeping an eye on for you:

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Is Joaquin Phoenix really retiring from movies? I don't believe it.
—Shelley, Newtown, Pa.

You shouldn't. Why? Because celebrities are addicted to fame.

Yes, Joaquin Phoenix says he's quitting films to explore music. Except music doesn't come with the bajillion-dollar fame machine that movies do. Singers are less likely to end up on the cover of Vanity Fair and don't get to go to the Oscars—Miley Cyrus notwithstanding.

Yes, Phoenix is not your typical star. He walks out of interviews and has facial hair better suited for men who live in remote shacks, making bombs out of pine tar and raccoon teeth. But Phoenix also has had a taste of fame. And once you acquire it, it's hard to leave behind.

Where's the proof, you say? Where do I begin...

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